I Am Mine

11:33AM - pine Manor

you know i never thought i woud miss the school but i do! I kinda miss the fact that its so small, you could go take a shower and leave your door unlocked and it felt more homey and there was a place to do situps and the rooms are bigger but most of all i miss u guys!!! i feel like there is sooooooooooo much going on that i dont know about, i feel like im not there for you guys like i could be if i was there! but i gotta say acedemically this was the best choice ever!!!!! the psych department there is a joke and i would never have learned what i need to know it go to grad school and get my Psy.D!!!!! But as pathetic as the psych department is there i still miss it because of you guys! brought my GPA up and im on Presidents list so thats exciting and all but my bday is comming up in a few months and i really dont have anyone to party with like i would if i was there!!!! i have one person and my parents want to take me out, thats it! and i dont think my parents are really gonna encourange me to get piss as drunk like you all would! lol anyway ive been thinking about you all a lot and miss u bunches, and would have totally stayed if i didnt hate the lack of psych classes there!
later

12:10PM - ya i was bord..........

10:41PM

so i think i might try and come down to the school hopefully the weekend after thanksgiving! i mean i can ask for it off and get it off from the boss just not sure if i will have someone to come with me. and that is important only becaues im afraid i will get lost and i need someone to help me cause when i get lost i freak and all that. but ya not sure if i can be with Keith to much longer, he is not where my heart is. I hope this doesnt sound like im playing games, im not just trying to see if he will work for a relationship but hes failed my first test and i had to call him after like 3 days of not talking to him at all, i dont expect much but why cant he call sometimes? my second test may happen this weekend if there is time. But i really havent wanted to have sex with him for awhile now, like its not even jsut that he doenst excite me i jsut dont wannna do it all the time, i like to cuddle and talk and sometimes just watch a movie snuggled close to someone, i dont get that with him. So we'll see how he reacts when i say no.
But im not sure if i can wait the 3 weeks to make my decision me and my mom decided on, he interupts me, donest let me talk if i disagree with him, and he is way to into bending to the will of his best friend/roomate, who jsut so happens to be a really tall hot chick. im not jelious of the girl part but they have songs together, he gets off the phone with me all the time to talk to her, gives up alone time with me to hang out with her too, picks her flowers(to be fair this is before i met him but i met him when flowers really werent around) and basically does EVERYTHING for her and only her. and he doesnt have serious interesting conversations like i had with Jason, Jason talks to me about anything and everything. I really missed Jason more then i really knew i did! I miss EVERYTHING about him, ok not everything but i want to help him with those things that are hurting him. I really think if he lets me in i can help him make his life better and i really want to be there for him. I dont know i feel silly saying i love him, but it feels very much like that! But for awhile now i have been reminicing about the time we had this summer, sitting out back listening to the river and watching the sunset or looking at shapes in clouds and talking about music, our lives, anything. I remember looking at dragons in the clouds when and Incubus song came on, he grabbed my hand and brought me out front and told me how much he loved them. He's been the only one i have ever felt really comfortable with, like i could say just about anything i thought, he would never judge me for what i believed or my fears and insecurities. I've never felt comfortable asking someone to tell me honestly everything they thought of me. and never thought i would hear such nice things. I miss him more then anything and i really feel hes the one i want to be with, the one i really should be with. So maybe i do fall in love to easy like he says but he likes me, he tells me he does care about me so it cant be that bad of a thing, right? anyway i guess im done rambleing. But this was kinda good for me i really think i know what i want, its just a matter of getting the guts to do what i want.

12:04PM

ok so i basically have no one here that i feel i can trust and also wont judge me so im going here to get it out and maybe hopefully recieve some insight. i really hope no one judges me here but ya i have a problem. SO been dating Keith now lil over 2 months. the other night i went over to my friend Caitlins without him because he was tired. Ended up having to go get Jason(from this summer) with Cait. Got back to her house really planned on leaving but he conned me into staying to play asshole! So called Keith told him i wasnt coming over tonight. but really wasnt a good idea. Kinda been thinking about Jason a lot, remembering good stuff from this summer. I really thought it wasnt an issue cause i really thought Jason really didnt want to much to do with me. But i was wrong. So after Cait and pat went to bed we stayed up hung out and talked for awhile. Then we went to our old room, to watch a movie and talk. We ended up talking a lot, he told me how he didnt really feel about me the way he made it seem when he was being mean to me and that he regretted pushing me away like he did. We ended up kissing, and ya no i am really feeling guilty. But i just want nothing more then to be with him, i dont want to hurt Keith, kinda feel like I cant break up with him but all i can think about is Jason, i dont know what to do, cause i think Keith really likes me and i dont wanna hurt him and i certainly can never tell him what i did but on the other hand i want to be happy and i also know how Jason feels but not sure if he would actually date me i dont know what to do im so lost and again i just had to get this out and hopefully get some sort of feedback. and PLEASE i really care what you guys think of me so i really hope none of you think badly of me for this!!!!!!!!!!

4:49PM

hey so anyone that cares my mom found the first picture of my brother from bootcamp! we have serched and analyzed so many pictures and now we finally found one! so i am happy and all that so for some reason i feel like i need to share my brother with you he is the one all the way to the left second back in the line(behind the kid that is sweating)
ya so im happy and no you dont have to actually look at it!!!!
later


http://s115.photobucket.com/albums/n308/momonthewire/?action=view¤t=10-13-06043.jpg&refPage=40&imgAnch=imgAnch46

5:04PM

You Are 24% Lady

You tend to make up your rules of etiquette, throwing all conventions aside. And while you try to be a lady (sometimes), your behavior is often quite shocking.

what a fucking shock!!! i really thought i would be all 100% lady! lol, ya im pretty offensive to some im sure! anyway off to go home and take a shower cause its all cold water here! Gotta go to friends house and check on her cause im worried she's gonna die, like literally i wasnt told much but doesnt sound good, im sure she wont die cause i cant handle another friend dieing but i still worry cause shes so sick. but really what is "her bodys turning against her" supposed to mean? sorry this is kinda random, trying not to thik about it cause im not aloud to talk about it, not even to the boytoy. so hopefully things are better then what my imagination is telling me!
later

11:16AM - visit??

hey so i figured i would run this by you guys before i talked to anyone. I was thinking about comming to visit you guys some weekend in the near future, i really miss all you guys sooo much. but i am nervous about driving to mass all by myself since i directionally challenged and stuff and might get lost and end up in canada or something. so wondering if i could get someone to come with me would anyone mind if i had them stay for the visit too? if not thats cool but i was thinking either my boyfriend or my roommate this year. i havent talked to either of them not sure if they would want to though i feel confident i could convince my bitch....i mean boyfriend to come with me......after all he is my bitch. but ya just wanted to ask if anyone would be ok with him staying too, ill make him behave so he wont get anyone in trouble, hes a pretty good guy.
anyway just let me know
miss you all

9:41PM

think i might need to be on ridlin again! i cant focus to do homework i can read somehting so many times and not know a single goddamn word and im so pissed cause i have to be like proper and shit cause im not supposed to swear infront of roomates boy, i mean i can but i dont want to cause hes all religious and shit! but i wanan throw the book at the wall!!! fucking drugs, i hate to take them but i need to be able to focus on shit! thats all just had to do that or book was going out the window!

1:53PM

hey so i know you guys already find my area to be a "third world country" or at least "hicksville" so since you guys always seem to love listening to my stories of things you could never dream of happening in your area (ie lawnmower racing) i found another one for you! my boyfriend went to a school in Vermont and his senior year the last day of school he and 10 other boys drove their tractors to school. now im not talking like a lawnmower or anything im talking TRACTOR like John Deere! and it was put in the paper, the boys had their pictures taken and put in a newspaper! so ya thought you would all find that amusing! well i hope so at least! well i miss you all and where is beth? i havent seen an update from her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
well love you all!

7:25PM - It's been awhile

so ya its hard to update this thing when you dont have the internet and when you dont remember your name! anyway so whats new? back at school, roomate is pretty cool. got a new boyfriend his name is Keith. he is so great. Never felt so comfortable with someone so quickly! Like telling him all kinda stuff that i dont usually tell people, especially guys i wanna see and stuff. but ya really lonely right now without him. and my music dont make it much better. I'm really trying to be all like not get to into it too much, dont really feel like getting hurt again. but probably a lil to late....not gonna lie. anyway i think i should be done! dunno really what to say, kinda just gonna keep rambleing if i dont end now! welcome back to school everyone! miss you all

10:37PM

wow its been awhile! the short version:
broke up with Tim finally, we still buds
got a new car, old one crapped out i am in love with my new 2000 Honda Civic EX, will have pictures when it stops being rainy/cold and i can wash it
99.2% sure im not going back to any college
99.7% sure im moving out of my house to live with a friend
we are both looking for new jobs that contain the words "full" "Time" and "benefits" and we may actually get lucky and find some!
making progress in a relationship where Matt respects me and values my presence more then i thought he could
My parents actually let me sleep over at a guys house
soon i wont have to worry about my parents "letting" me do anything!!!!!!!!!
Matt made a comment about getting his own house and how nice it would be for him to come home from work and have me there (could it be we might be on the same page?!?!?!?!?!?!?!)
Might have someone to buy my old Ford
LIfe is good, men are confusing but hey so are women, currently enjoying not being tied down to anyone and just kinda seeing where relationships go with either Jason or Matt! yay for life and moving out and not feeling pressured to continue stupid college!!!!!
ohh so ya Jess rage i guess that means i might be able to go to Mexico with u guys if you still want me to come as the job im looking into getting i get like 2 weeks a year off after 3 months working there.
and Jess quiet how are you??? I was in Manchester the other day and Matt was pointing out all the places that were under water and closed off and such and i remember you talking about your front yard being a lil full of water so i hope everything is ok but just checking with you
well anyway i hope you enjoyed the short version (yes dammit that WAS the short version!)

10:19AM

Caught Tim in another lie, he doesnt have a ticket already bought for the end of May, probably not even comming up. decided to break up with him, but hes in the feild, so i can't until anywhere from the 15 or 16 to the 19th. and im a horrible person. and a confused one too. Let Jason kiss me, a lot. im a terrible horrible person! I dunno anything anymore other then right now i feel like a really bad person, i hate people like this.

fuck

1:57PM

Dear Diary:
mood apathetic. my life is black abiss. lol ok well not really but its funny. such a good song! im really not emo, in fact kinda happy and stuff! last night was good! Went to Caitlins house, there were boys, i love those boys, well i didnt know one of them, but oh well Jason showed up, hes all tanned and shit from his job and he got his hair growned out a bit so its nice and soft too! but ya i was glad he showed up cause hes hot but a lil like not wanting to see him+Tim=consfusing nikkiness! oh well i had my moms truck and the boys found it funny that i was driving a truck, and Jeremy wouldnt trade his sweet pretty red F-150 for the little shitty Ranger, oh well! but ya so Jasons funny and stuff! gotta find my handcuffs, scare the shit outta him!
well anyway im bord, nothing else to do online and im waiting for a few Hollywood Undead songs to finish downloading so i can get offline and its taking a lil longer then the other ones!
later

3:56PM

so ya its not even 4 and im already hungry! oh well but i did my sit ups and pushups so im happy with myself! so last few days have been pretty good! the weekend was awesome!!!!!!!!!!! again sorry if i SOUNDED cranky i swear i wasnt and didnt know i was soudning that way! anyway so ya that was awesome then monday was my bday turned 20 and that was cool! spent 5 hours in the darkroom, thats always fun, lil tiring but fun. then my favorite pine manor people EVER gave me a lil party! we had ice cream cake, i got a poster i was trying to hang up at 11 last night, i got a calendar that is not hung up yet but will be, and a baloon and stufed animal! i love these people they are the most wonderfulest people ever! i kinda felt bad but i will try and do something special for their bdays even if it is just sending them a card, something so they know i remmeber!
well anyway so i have been here not very long and my motivation to organize is very strong as i was soooooooooo pleasently suprised to find my room so pretty! its a great shade of blue, the nasty old decepit dresser is pretty and white, looks new. and hte whole cut for ventilation in my celing is covered with a thingy. i have shelves and it looked soooo pretty, it made me so happy so i gotta get everythng all neat and clean! it is almost like finished, always nice after 16 years of living in the same house for it to ALMOST be kinda finished! well anyway so then we went out to eat and then went to see Jimmy and i scared him cause i gave him a big hug, he didnt seem to like that much but whatever i miss him! and i got Pearl Jam's new CD and its good but will take a while for me to get used to it to love it! and my record sounds awesome! and it was good to see everyone at work, and i get to see a new baby soon! and my car is sick! the breaks are playing this neat trick, like hide and go seek kinda, they like to disapear so i have to push the betal all the way to the floor to work! it scared me soooooooooooooooooooooo bad i was bout ready to have a heart attack the whole ride home! but oh well its getting inspected monday so ill take the "big" truck, well its big to me! and ya i guess it might not pass inspection as "a chunck of the car feel off" not a big one but its all rusty under the back door! and i have a marine corps sticker on my car so maybe when my car is all better i wont have to be so paranoid about speeding a lil because most, if not all, of the staties around here are ex-Marines so they might be leanient if they think i am a Marine or support one, which i do of course cause my brother is jsut FUCKING AWESOME! well anyway im paranoid about Ticks, cause theres a lot here as we are in the woods and the winters been so warm. well i think i am done i wrote a lot but i have a lot to say, i have even more to say but then ill just be ranting! but ya so i miss EVERYBODY, except those that i dont! but i dont think those people are on my list! well anyway bye now

9:34PM

soooo jsut got back from the weekend of jess's and one blair. We went to see Larry the Cable guy, honestly i thought his opening act was funnier! He had me in tears he was so fucking funny. First dates and the military thing, aww it was funny. i dunno all of it was and larry rocked and i never saw so many limos in my life and im tired and i spent like 5 hours at a mall and bought a hat, only a hat. so thats good! im proud of myself though with the entire weekend i spent more then i would have hoped to. and was a lil sad and the fact that we were by the ocean and i didnt even get to touch the water. but i will make Tim go with me to Maine to York beach even for just a day! cause i dont have a tent! so ya i miss the beach and it kinda made me sad and stuff but now im really tired and dont feel much of any emotion. goodnight well not really gotta wait to call Tim in half hour then to bed.

10:34AM

i got new picture icon things. that makes me happy. and im hungry that doesnt make me happy. i need food. that is all

4:10PM

i have a math final to do tomrow and im nervous as hell but cant study. For one i have never been able to study for math all that well, after i do a problem just looks like a big jumble of numbers to me and makes no sense, which is why i never go over and check my answers on a test/quiz. so anyway ya and im very distracted. Im tired and i jsut wanna lay outside. I cant study inside cause theres music and the computer and i cant study outside cause there is people. and im thinking about how long until i leave, and that im tired, and wondering how many boxes ill need, and wondering how old that blonde maintenence guy is (cause i think hes cute for some reason, i have a strange taste) and wondering if thre is anything i can pack now, and wanting to pack it all up right now, and ahh so much, i swear a blade of grass could intregue me and pull me away from my work, and im also hungry and feeling lazy but i gotta go to the darkroom, and i gotta get boxes, and blair wants me to go to the stressbusters, and i need to study something i have no ambition to study, i am not gonna study all that much
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

9:01PM

no more drinking for me.....well after i finish the JD. and no nothing happened bad or anything i just feel really bad about drinking! i mean for my parents im the good responsible one and im talking to Matt now and i feel like a fucking hypocrite!!!!!!!! So ya not gonna happen again cause i really feel bad! i dunno whatever no more so ya. im tired, very tired. and i want to see Matt, very badly though kinda convinced that that is not a good idea. but i still wonder what could happen if he gets his shit together. me sleepy...........

2:57PM - stuff and more stuff

1. Who was your first prom date? umm well the first time i went to a prom was with Chris R. but that wasnt my prom, so Dave Welch
2. Who was your first roommate? myself

3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk the first time? shmirnoff

4. What was your first job? The big scoop

5. What was your first car? .. 92 Ford Taurus

6. When did you go to your first funeral? when i was 3, Grandpa Chet, he was cool, he actually liked me!

7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?
19 years old to move into this crapwhole of a dorm building


8. Who was your first grade teacher? Mrs. k, she was my first and second grade teacher, and no my school was not so small that we had grades being taught together (Beth) she moved up with us

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? Florida to see grandparents, ha ha ha never forget the look of my dads face.

10. When you sneaked out of your house for the first time, who was it with? well if i tried sneaking out of my house i would die from either a heart attack or jumping out my window

11. Who was your first best friend, and are you still friends? umm first best friend i dunno Davey, Phil, or Jamie and im still friends with Jamie
12. Where was your first sleepover? umm neighbors i think.

13. Who is the first person you call when you have a problem? Mom unless its something i cant tell mom then usually Caitlin or the girls at school
14. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or groomsman? J-Mac who is now J-Pagano though that doesnt sound nearly as cool!

15. What is the first thing you do in the morning? depends when i wake up usually either "oh shit im late" or "fuck you im not getting up" runs through my head

16. What was the first concert you ever went to? lol Isaacs College Fund back when they still had Isaac but ya i dont think thats really the right kind of concert. never been to a "real" concert

17. First tattoo or piercing? umm i must have been like 16 when i got my ears pierced thats it

18. First celebrity crush? Lance Bass from 'N Sync, im so pathetic

19. Age of first real kiss with tongue? umm depends on what you call a first real kiss, i mean first time i was kissed was like 16, but dont really remmeber it, i was almost 17 with my first REAL kiss, never forget it EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

20. First crush? Phil Blanchard at the tender age of 4 i had "hearts comming out of my head"

21. First REAL love? Mathew David Rennie i would have married him in a heartbeat if he was interested in me longer then a few days at a time. Probably still would.

12:02AM

so im drunk, ish, and listening to hollywood undead on blairs computer. typing is not the easiest thing right now. so im slow. well anyway so i think i guess me and Tim arent not going out. he changed his mind and i guess he wants to keep things the way they are until he comes home, which he says will be end of may. well see! but ya he says that kinda thing should be discussed face to face not of the phone. but we were both drunk and stuff. i dont even know anymore. all i know if fuzzy workds wich is what i see right now. and im tired like a tire, goodnit any one reading tihis.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz